Unstoppable they called her, but I saw her stop
I saw her stop many many times
Sometimes I thought she had stopped for good
but no, she always found a way to resurrect
To rise again
Not the same, never the same
Each time a little more determined, and a little less vulnerable
Unstoppable they said, but I think it was in the stopping
that she found her power.
– Donna Ashworth
A very dear friend sent me this just this morning, it seemed kind of perfect to sit down and write this update today. I know it’s been a while since I’ve arrived in your inbox, and for many good reasons.
Life hands us challenges that sometimes we feel are insurmountable and impossible to see our way through – when the path gets a wee bit blurry. We can lose sight of the strength we contain, the ability to rise, as well as the way we are being held in seen and unseen ways.
It’s been hard for me to get on here, and to write this. But I have been feeling a strong call to connect – and perhaps depending on your life circumstances offer you the reminder that you to are not alone.
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and medical procedures – which continue in the coming week. I’m still processing the fact that I had spinal surgery, never mind the additional diagnosis of cancer – in the blink of an eye, our lives can change and do change, remember that. I very suddenly started losing the ability to walk (interestingly the day my eldest son and I sat with an owl in the cedar grove – whispering wisdom of slowing down). My body had also been speaking to me in quiet and loud ways over the past few months. October 5th I was admitted to hospital and underwent emergency spinal surgery for a tumor in my spinal canal, on the spinal cord from T7 to T11.
The tumor that took up residence in my spinal canal was found to have malignant cells and they were unable to remove the whole tumor in surgery – due to its location it was partially inoperable.
In the meantime, I rest in this liminal space, protective of quiet time and connecting deeply with what is being asked of me in this healing. I am sooo grateful to recover from step one here in the forest.
Relearning to walk, supporting my spine as the bones mend and the dura heals, healing mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually – while at the same time building my reserves for next steps.
My family and I are keeping pretty quiet, this is needed right now for so many reasons – my deepest need is to cocoon. I have been viscerally reminded of how fragile and truly precious life is – In many ways I’m only now just realizing how truly precious and sacred life is.
An unexpected turn on the path, one that will only bring greater strength and compassion. Perhaps a forced sabbatical, finding my own way on this life journey.
I wonder what helps you to rise when you fall – perhaps that’s a person, or a place. Make a list, right now if you can – written or in your mind, what helps you rise when you fall?
With so much love and respect, ’till next time
Amber
